


House-Hunted

by glitterandrocketfuel



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Comedy, Gen, HGTV spoof, House Hunters AU, M/M, Parody, demon!patrick, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 18:08:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17923763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandrocketfuel/pseuds/glitterandrocketfuel
Summary: On today’s ‘House Hunters’ join us as we track down the perfect home for a perfectly odd couple who bicker about everything from waxed jeans to waxing sideburns. We pride ourselves on our team's ability to match every couple with their dream home, no matter how unique their tastes!





	House-Hunted

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PlatinumAndPercocet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlatinumAndPercocet/gifts).



> Birthday gift for the lovely PlatinumandPercocet! Enjoy, m'dear, and may all your demonic domestic dreams come true!

“On today’s ‘House Hunters’ join us as we track down the perfect home for a perfectly odd couple who bicker about everything from waxed jeans to waxing sideburns. This couple can’t even pick a wall color for their living room–will they be able to agree on the perfect house? One does print marketing for small record stores and the other designs t-shirts on their driveway. Our budget is 4.5 million…”

_"Pete, this is a really bad idea. The less control we have over our media exposure the more chances there are that something will come out." Patrick's hand went to his hat. "Something I'd rather not have photographed if you get my drift." He tapped the brim._

_Pete frowned at him. "Patrick, you were the one who made the arrangements. Don't you remember?"_

_Patrick shook his head slowly, his eyes meeting Pete's. "Wasn't me." Something tickled the back of his mind._ She _wants something. Either you offer...or She takes..._

_The production crew were already piling out of the HGTV-logo'd van. Pete sent him a troubled look. "Too late now..."_

“And we’re back on ‘House Hunters.’ Patrick thinks the tasteful pinstripe wallpaper of this light-filled ranch gives the sitting room a homey, yet sophisticated feel that isn’t too formal for their lifestyle, but Pete is already inquiring about the cost to have it replaced with Jackson Pollack-inspired inkblot wallpaper. Patrick, however, is not amused. Will this odd couple ever come to an agreement on their dream home?”

_Patrick leaned towards Pete. "Can you see us living here?" he murmured. "I know it's all beiges and taupes, but it's...nice._ Normal _." Normal had become a very important word to Patrick lately._

_Pete glanced around. "Patrick, we don't do_ normal _. The day you met me was the day_ normal _ceased to have meaning for you." He wouldn't meet Patrick's eyes and the frown crept back onto his face._

_Patrick didn't like that frown. Parts of Patrick_ really _didn't like that frown. "Come on, darling. Let's go see the big bedroom." It was those parts that gave Pete a little nudge towards the back of the house where the master suite waited and it was those parts of Patrick that shoved Pete against the wall just inside the door to the suite while the cameras were busy panning around the kitchen and the host narrated the cabinets and countertops like they were doing something exciting instead of just existing as off-white finish and galaxy granite with tile backsplash accents._

_Pete's fingers threaded through Patrick's hair, knocking his hat askew as Patrick's mouth crushed against his._ Goddammit _, Patrick thought._ Not now! _But there he was, biting down on Pete's bottom lip until the older man hissed and he tasted copper and now they were in trouble. "Pete, I'm--"_

_Pete searched his pockets and he pulled out a tangled silver chain with a sigil dangling from one of the links while his other hand scrabbled at the hem of Patrick's shirt until he felt bare skin. God help him, but Pete's fingers were gentle and they felt_ so good _on the coiled, scaled tail wrapped around Patrick's waist that he shivered._

_Then Pete pressed the silver against his bare flesh and he whimpered as the scent of burning flesh filled the air and pain sparked through Patrick with the sound of sizzle._

_His hand went up to grab Pete's chin. What spoke with Patrick's voice was not the part of Patrick he wanted to be in charge, but house hunting wasn't the only area in which they had to compromise. "You'll pay for that later, you little gremlin."_

_Pete bared his teeth. "Anytime, anywhere, horndog. Put Patrick back in the driver's seat and let's make a deal."_

_Patrick pulled away from him, wresting control with Bad Patrick long enough to growl at Pete. "No deals, Wentz!" just before he bolted from the room._

“Uh-oh. Patrick seems to be coming down the stairs of this next house (a three-bedroom ranch with a walk-out basement and to-die-for windows and a great south-facing location) at a pretty fast clip. After the break, ‘House Hunters’ will return and we’ll find out if that’s excitement or terror in his expression. Just what did he and Pete find on the main floor that’s sending Patrick down to the media room-slash-bar area in such haste? Stay tuned!”

_Patrick didn't know whether to be madder at himself or at Pete as he darted past the surprised producer._ Back down! Back down now or every deal we've ever made is off and She won't get Her tithe. Is that what you want? You think they'll use an episode of a home show where the guests turn feral?

_The producer spun around. "Patrick!"_

Oh great. Just what we need. Are you gonna let me drive, or are we going to have to call the Infernal Revenue Service to come clean up your mess?

 

“We’re back on ‘House Hunters’ and it seems that Patrick noticed our camera operator catching his mad dash down the custom hardwood basement stairs to the finished bar area and media center. Our agent asked after him and Patrick insists that Pete made him aware of an important design element in the basement. ‘Scared? Of course not, why would I be scared? That’s a silly question. Who’d even ask that. Is that bar Java-stained walnut?’ We don’t want to discourage you, Patrick, but we sure hope Pete is as interested in this house as you are.”

_"Pete, what the fuck?" Patrick said in the car later._

_"What? I thought the Cape Cod was too cramped. Didn't you see how close the neighbors were? They're bound to hear the screaming."_

_"I'm not talking about the Cape Cod--that one had a shitty foundation anyway and zero closet space for all your ugly shoes. We just had to pretend interest so they have enough drama. I'm talking about that stunt in the master suite of the ranch!"_

_"What? You needed a distraction to get yourself back under control and I gave you one!"_

_"You offered a_ deal _. What rules did we establish governing deals?" Patrick scowled at Pete for the entire length of the red light, before the car behind them honked and he pressed his foot on the accelerator._

_Pete shifted. Patrick glanced over and found Pete staring at his fingers, tangled in his lap. "I wouldn't have actually made it," he mumbled. "I just wanted--" He turned his face away. "I'm just--it wouldn't be bad if this was real, you know."_

_Patrick wanted to close his eyes but that was a sure way to end them both in Hell for real, given the traffic. "Pete, we have Down Below. That's--" Now it was Patrick's turn to look out the window. "There are families to consider. Innocents we have to think about."_

_Pete's fingers brushed the back of his hand. "It was you first. It's always been you."_

_Patrick felt the Other brushing the back of his mind, curious._ This is why you can't threaten me with Hell you bastard _, Patrick thought at the Other._ I already know what torture feels like _._

“This episode of ‘House Hunters’ continues with our dynamic duo still on the fence about the three-bedroom ranch and a shabby-chic loft with a minimalist feel. The mystery still surrounds Patrick’s mad dash to the basement media room, but our boys aren’t talking. Pete may be showing signs of coming around to the ranch–he’s got his work duds on! But our agent reports that Patrick’s strong reaction could mean troubled waters ahead. Only time will tell…and maybe another visit to that ranch! Stay tuned!”

_"You know, that loft has potential," Pete said. "Good foundation, exposed brickwork that can take lag-bolts like a champ." He took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance at Patrick. "Appropriately creepy basement with a nice dirt floor that'll soak up a lot of sins. We could get as messy as we wanted down there."_

_Patrick remembered the gloomy basement. But back when they started this, he made a deal of his own--with himself and with the Other part of him--that their definition of "getting messy" wasn't going to play by anybody else's rules but their own. Payment would be made for services rendered, but it was_ Patrick's _call as to how that payment was extracted. "I like the wet bar, though. The basement's walk-out, but we can work with that. There's a media center that'd make a great studio for our real jobs."_

_"I still can't believe you told them you renovate failing record stores and I design t-shirts." Pete's lips curved up in a half-smile. "With that ridiculous budget."  
_

_It was Patrick's turn to smirk. "His idea. Part of the whole over-arching 'millennials are murdering everything' narrative. Having quirky jobs and side hustles makes us part of the spectacle. And you know who loves a good spectacle, right?"_

_Pete nodded. "Yeah, I know. It beats Her favorite form of spectacle, I guess."_

_"She's still pulling for that." Patrick reached over and cupped Pete's balls, letting the claws slide out just enough to pierce the waxed denim of Pete's jeans._

_Pete hissed and squirmed. "So the ranch?"_

_"Yeah. Let's go back."  
_

_Pete's hands on the wheel were white-knuckled, but steady as Patrick fluttered his fingers. His hips weren't so composed. "J-just had to make sure you really wanted it. Want me to call the producers and tell them we want to see the ranch again?"_

_Patrick wasn't sure if it was him or the Other that curved his lips up into a smile. Patrick leaned back and the Other thrummed contentedly just under his skin._ That was a little something for both of us _._ _"Wear your work duds. Just in case we do get a little...messy."_

_Pete's shiver was visible enough for Patrick to feel it all the way over in the passenger seat._

“Welcome back to ‘House Hunters!’ I think we may have a winner for this double-trouble duo! While at first, Patrick was enchanted with the light and the understated decor of the three-bedroom ranch, Pete disapproved of the home’s pedestrian decor as a backdrop for his driveway t-shirt design business. But as the duo explored the master suite away from our cameras, something changed and Patrick became very interested in the basement media center and bar area, perfect for entertaining. But after having viewed the minimalist loft, initially for Pete’s sake, the couple have returned to the three-bedroom, where Pete, deep in thought, seems to be very interested in getting Patrick’s opinion on some ‘aesthetic renovations’ to the master suite, as he calls them. Patrick seems very attached to the house’s current aesthetic. Does this mean trouble in paradise for our creative companions? Find out after the break!”

_"Darling, I_ insist _," Pete said through gritted teeth. "I think maybe this one will work out for us after all." Pete's grip on Patrick's wrist was almost painful and the taller man wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was dragging Patrick back to the bedroom like his pants were on fire._

_So maybe Patrick's pants_ were _a little on fire. The heat at the base of his spine was making his tail scales flare up. Cameras always caught Her attention and now that She smelled blood--or rather, gossip--She was going to want Her cut. And boy, did She have a thing for Pete's...thing._ We're gonna get caught by the camera operator _, Patrick thought._ And it won't make it onto the show, but it'll find its way to the internet. I'm gonna have to explain to my mom and the fans are gonna go apeshit and--

_Pete pushed him into the master suite. "Come on. Give me Hell, Stump." He unlatched his belt with a deftness Patrick was quite impressed with. It was the last thing he was able to smirk at, though, before the Other One took over. He caught a glimpse of his face in the big mirror mounted on the wall above the dresser. As they bled gold, his reflection winked at him and--_ wait _\--_

_Pete smirked. "I think this place'll work out just fine," he said, dragging Patrick's body in for a hard kiss, just before Pete pushed him back hard enough that he fell backward. He was gonna cause so much damage when hit the bureau, the mirror, the giant decorative glass ball--_ who puts a giant glass ball out as a decoration? _\--all of it was going to go as soon as his ass hit resistance--_

_Only it didn't._

_Patrick's tail uncoiled and his wings snuck out from under his jacket, pulling his shirt tight across his neck from the extra pressure behind him as he fell, and kept falling. Patrick felt a tearing that was like cool water and a hot curling iron at the same time and his wings tore off his back, his tail separated from his tailbone, and his horns shriveled into his skull, giving him a sudden, splitting headache._

_At the last minute, Pete jerked him back by the collar and the separation was complete. Patrick struggled to breathe while Pete laughed into his mouth. "God, Patrick. Trust you to find a three-bedroom ranch with a fucking trans-dimensional gateway right where the sex mirror goes."_

_Patrick was still struggling to breathe, wheezing around the worst asthma attack he'd had since he was in his teens, when Pete spun him around to face his reflection._

_Demon Patrick sat on the other side of the mirror, beating his hands against the glass. "Let me out of here, you son of a bitch! We had a deal!"_

_Patrick's jaw dropped open. "You--how--"_

_Pete grinned. "The sigil clued me in the last time we were here. Even after you left it wouldn't stop glowing. I just followed it. Pulled up a corner of the area rug and found the transmutation circle, pretty as day." Pete glanced down at the floor, still covered by the tastefully taupe geometric area rug. "Whoever installed it does good work. If we can get the name from the current owners, I bet they'd also do the bathrooms and make a wetwork area in the basement." Pete drifted towards the mirror. "Would you like that, hmm?" He asked the demon. "A little wet-work area in the basement where you and I can get as creative as She wants?"_

_Demon Patrick's eyes were wide, gold, and coolly assessing. "That depends," Demon Patrick said. "Does he have to come along?" He jerked his head towards Patrick._

_Pete met Patrick's gaze for a brief second. It was long enough for Patrick to read the hesitation in his eyes and answer for him. "All of me or none of me. I collect Her tithe from him. Not you. You're just the delivery boy."_

_"Patrick, you don't have to--"_

_"It's me you owe," Patrick said quietly. "You've said it enough times." He didn't miss the flash of relief that crossed Pete's face. Pete wouldn't go back on his deal and he would do anything to protect his friends--Patrick, especially--but Patrick had been trying to tell him (and show him and prove to him and beat it into his head when necessary) that he didn't have to bear those burdens alone._

_To the trapped version of himself, seething quietly and testing out the boundaries of his play-box, Patrick said, "We'll be roommates again soon enough. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the extra room in my pants." He wriggled his hips and reached up to feel the roundness of an uninterrupted hairline he hadn't felt in what seemed like years. "It'll be a nice little vacation from each other. Absence does make the heart grow fonder."  
_

“Welcome back to the final segment of ‘House Hunters,’ viewers, where we finally discover the final destination of our creative couple of Chicago chums! Pete and Patrick have had a contentious time deciding on the next phase of their creative life. Our producers were sure that at one point, we might have a case of _Folie a Deux_ on our hands as the bickering boys went back and forth over a precious Cape Cod, the minimalist Loft, and the light-filled Ranch. Including some very exciting drama in the boys’ second visit to the ranch!

“Our cameras weren’t present when Pete and Patrick had a ‘creative discussion’ in the ranch’s master suite that sent Patrick tearing down to the basement with a sudden interest in the media center. But on another visit, the current owners made the couple an offer they couldn’t refuse, and this time during the final walkthrough, our producers made sure to follow the contented creatives down the hall to the master suite!

“‘We had to be very circumspect and respectful of the couple’s personal space,’ says Riley, our camera operator. ‘I tiptoed down the hall with the GoPro unit. The footage ended up pretty crummy, but I was able to salvage some stills.’

“And here they are, viewers. It pays to really examine those first-impression feelings when it comes to finding your dream home. An outside package that seems pedestrian, or a little outside your tastes may be harboring the exact space your family truly needs.

“‘Yeah,’ Pete says with a contented, lazy grin, ‘I scoffed at the idea of a suburban ranch at first. I mean, those HOA covenants can put serious limitations on how you live, you know? Patrick and I–we’re sensitive to that.’

“Indeed they are, these creative free-spirits. Pete continues. ‘But once we pulled up the carpets and took a peek at what’s underneath, we saw the possibilities.’

“Patrick adds, a bit sheepishly, ‘Yeah. The basement being finished and a walk-out meant we couldn’t use it for our…messier activities.’ Pete grins and slings an arm around his soft-spoken companion. ‘But the trans-dimensional naughty box in the master suite will do just fine keeping his demon imprisoned until it’s time to come out and play.’

“And viewers, at three point two million in such a desirable suburb just minutes away from the major traffic arteries leading into the city, I think we can say that this house has been hunted. _Demon_ -hunted, that is! Congratulations to our happy hellish homeowners and tune in next time for Josh and Tyler–we’ll try to fit twenty-one pilots into a two-bedroom downtown location with premium closet space! Goodnight, viewers. That’s all for this episode of House Hunters!”

“Viewers, we thought we’d share an update from last season’s ‘House Hunters’ episode we titled ‘Creative Clash,’ so we caught up with Patrick, one half of the picky power-couple who eventually settled on the light-filled three-bedroom ranch with walk-out finished basement and tastefully neutral decor. Patrick, how are you and Pete settling into your dream home?

“‘Oh,’ Patrick says, tilting his hat back with careless style, ‘We’re really making very creative use of the space. Did you know the walls in the media room downstairs are soundproof? And the hardwood floor modifications make clean-up super-easy when we get into exploring the… _messy_ side of our creative pursuits.’ Patrick gives an adorable little laugh that sounds just as playful as the subtly whimsical touches to those new hardwood floors. Viewers, an artful stain can really play up that hand-carved rough-cut style that’s so on-trend this season. This bold choice, we can tell, seems to be Pete’s free-spirited creativity at work.

“Patrick confirms this. ‘Yeah,’ he says, laughing with another little hiccup to his voice, ‘Pete can be really…enthusiastic. Especially when I bring my work home.’ Our producer compliments Patrick on the bold splashes of darker stain in winding, whimsical paths that lead down the hall towards the master suite and flow like liquid towards the stairs to the basement, drawing the eye. Brash touches, viewers, can really warm up a too-formal decor and take it from impersonal to uniquely appealing.

“And the house’s…unique features? How are they working out for this demonic duo? ‘You know, you just don’t appreciate that kind of _storage_ space until you’ve had a little time to settle into it,’ Patrick says with a blinding smile. Viewers, this young man is exactly the happy ending we want to see with every episode! And as for Pete? ‘Well, the space being what it is, there’s a lot of potential. He needs a short leash and a _firm_ hand,’ says Patrick with another endearing chuckle. ‘Otherwise he’d be all over the place,’ he says, gesturing to the walls.

“Our producer and camera operator both seem a wee bit captivated by the house’s inviting atmosphere, or maybe it’s the sound system that’s so cleverly hidden that even I can’t tell where the speakers are, but the beat is definitely something you can dance to. I guess that soundproofing in the media center really works!

“‘Can we get a few words from Pete, too?’ Our producer asks Patrick. ‘We’d love to hear how he’s adjusting to your new space.’

“Patrick’s smile turns to a soft, serious expression while he glances fondly towards the stairs. ‘I’m really sorry. He’s a little _tied-up_ at the moment.’

“’But–’ Viewers, our producer is used to being assertive, but when house-hunting, it’s important to know which boundaries you can push with a seller, and which ones you can’t. And Patrick, our happy house hunter, is telling us right now with a very direct look, that the Hunt is over and the prey has been captured. Thanks for watching, viewers!”

_Upstairs, Pete can't hear much over the hum of the ceiling fan as it spun gently and cooled the sweat over his naked body. When he shifted, the clink of the handcuffs locking him to the bed made the smallest sound and he hoped Patrick didn't hear it. It would make Pete a bad boy, and Pete very much wanted to be a good boy because Pete pays his debts and She likes rumor and innuendo almost as much as She likes leaking nude selfies over the internet and right now, Patrick was delivering plenty of innuendo on Pete's behalf._

“Viewers, this just in. A very special update of ‘House Hunters’ alumni Pete and Patrick, who found their dream home in a three-bedroom, light-filled ranch with a walk-out basement, soundproofed media center, and storage space in the master suite that is truly and literally out of this world, and for a steal at under four million in a desirable location close enough to the city for this pan-dimensional pair to fulfill all their creative commitments and their extra-dimensional extra-curricular activities.

“Last time we checked in, Pete was unable to meet with our production team, but this time when we popped by, Pete and Patrick were both present and accounted for! ‘Patrick’s feeling generous today,’ Pete says with a thready chuckle and a glance at his partner for approval. ‘He likes to crack the whip in the ol’ home dungeon.’

“What a kidder, that Pete, huh, viewers? Patrick seems to enjoy the joke, wearing a smirk that charms our producer and has made him one of our most popular personalities for the full run of the show. Our camera operator, though, seems to have a talent for capturing Pete wearing interesting, perhaps comical, expressions of what could be called distress. But we can assure our viewers–and the couple’s fans–that Pete’s last words to us were, ‘I couldn’t have asked for a better dream than to be here in this house with Patrick. This space really gave him the freedom to, uh, explore _another side_ of himself and really, um, _grapple_ with his _existence_ , y’know, like in the way an artist has to, but like, _not really?_ Anyway, we’re very happy here and we’d _love to see you back again_.’

“I think we can truly call this one a win, viewers, no matter what our camera operator thinks. Happy house hunting!”

_As the HGTV crew piled into the van, Patrick noticed the cam operator lingering over the equipment in the back. He shifted the curtain in front of the living room window so it fell open and made sure the window itself was open almost all the way. "Pete, come in here."_

_Pete padded in from the kitchen, glanced at the open window showing the van and the cam operator, then glanced back at Patrick. "Yes, Patrick?"_

_Patrick used his big voice, the Other's presence helping him along. "On your knees."_

_Outside, the cam operator froze, then turned, the GoPro rig in hand. Tales would be carried. Gossip would be spread. She would have Her little scandals and maybe Patrick could get away with a little slap and tickle this time._ That kind of thing only works once, you know _, the Other pointed out._ Once is enough _, Patrick answered himself. One more monthly bill paid in full, collected and delivered. One less month of debt._

_Patrick smirked and winked at Pete, who'd already dropped to his knees and crossed his arms behind his back. Patrick shrugged out of his cardigan and button-up, letting his wings go free. His tail curled around Pete's shoulders--the thing always did have a mind of its own--and stroked down Pete's spine. "That's my good boy," he purred. At least the collecting was no hardship._

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this was borne of silliness (all the best gifts are. The lovely @pineapple-likes-panic kept reblogging images from a photo shoot of Pete and Patrick from 2013 and the story just flowed.
> 
> I'm not saying this one's *definitely* part of the Mortgaged Souls universe...but I'm not saying it ain't, either.


End file.
